Thursday, March 23, 2006

The Church of Jesus Christ of Even More Latter Day Saints

The Church of Jesus Christ of Even More Latter Day Saints.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Germs Don't Cause Disease...People Cause Germs!

Wow, the Lord commanded that I don't even need to preach anything about this. I found this article online and I have linked the title of this post back to the article. It's kind of infuriating actually...
We do not catch diseases. We build them. We have to eat, drink, think, and feel them into existence. We work hard at developing our diseases. We must work just as hard at restoring health. The presence of germs does not constitute the presence of a disease. Bacteria are scavengers of nature...they reduce dead tissue to its smallest element. Germs or bacteria have no influence, whatsoever, on live cells. Germs or microbes flourish as scavengers at the site of disease. They are just living on the unprocessed metabolic waste and diseased, malnourished, nonresistant tissue in the first place. They are not the cause of the disease, any more than flies and maggots cause garbage. Flies, maggots, and rats do not cause garbage but rather feed on it. Mosquitoes do not cause a pond to become stagnant! You always see firemen at burning buildings, but that doesn't mean they caused the fire...

Traditional Western medicine teaches and practices the doctrines of French chemist Louis Pasteur (1822-1895). Pasteur's main theory is known as the Germ Theory Of Disease. It claims that fixed species of microbes from an external source invade the body and are the first cause of infectious disease. The concept of specific, unchanging types of bacteria causing specific diseases became officially accepted as the foundation of allopathic Western medicine and microbiology in late 19th century Europe. Also called monomorphism,(one-form), it was adopted by America's medical/industrial complex, which began to take shape near the turn of the century. This cartel became organized around the American Medical Association, formed by drug interests for the purpose of manipulating the legal system to destroy the homeopathic medical profession.

Controlled by pharmaceutical companies, the complex has become a trillion-dollar-a-year business. It also includes many insurance companies, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), the National Institutes of Health (NIH), the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), hospitals, and university research facilities. The microbian doctrine gave birth to the technique of vaccination that was blindly begun in 1796 by Edward Jenner. Jenner took pus from the running sores of sick cows and injected it into the blood of his "patients." Thus was born a vile practice (immunization/vaccination) whose nature has changed little to this day, and whose understanding is still clouded by Pasteur's theory. This also gave birth to the development of antibiotics, the first being penicillin in 1940. An antibiotic is the poisonous waste from one germ used in the attempt to kill another. Penicillin is the poison from a fungus. This has created the proliferation of aggressive and stubborn forms of resistant strains that haunt us today.

The Rife Universal Microscope, developed in the late 1930's and early 1940's, clearly established that germs (microorganisms) are the result of disease (scavengers of dead cells) rather than the cause thereof. If germs are involved, they arise as primary symptoms of that general condition. Though germs don't cause disease, secondary symptoms are produced in response to their activity (commonly called the disease). One reason the conventional medical community doesn't see the big picture is their means of looking at it. A lot depends on how you look at it and what you look at it with.

In the 3rd Edition, Basic Histology, Junqueira & Carneiro, 1980, we discover the limitations of the electron microscope in that the electron beam demands the use of very thin tissue sections enclosed in a high vacuum. The authors of these requisites state on page 9: "These conditions preclude the use of living material...and...The electron beam on an object can damage it and produce unwanted changes in tissue structures. They take a living, changing scene (the blood), and disorganize it, by staining the blood sample. They then take a snapshot of this disorganized situation and interpret it as the entire story. During the study and interpretation of stained tissue sections in microscope preparations, the observed product is the end result of a series of processes that considerably distort the image observable in the living tissue, mainly through shrinking and retraction. It has been suggested in the past that the electron-microscopic specks identified as viruses could, more than likely, be nothing more than particles of lifeless, degraded protein--disintegrated peptides from cellular death--catabolic residues of cytoplasm, or repair proteins produced by the cells in response to the imbalanced biological terrain. It has been reported by researchers searching for the hypothetical "elusive virus," that viruses can "mimic" human tissue! They are human tissue.


Wow, if that doesn't present a blockbuster case for the existence of chosen ignorance I don't know what does! I think I will try and find more articles like this.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Today is a Great Day for America!

According to a recent study, America is on the religious straight and narrow. Before long, we will reject the law of gravity and replacing it with intelligent falling. Next comes the speed of light as the Divine Speed of Intelligence. But first, evolution...
A Gallup Poll released Wednesday suggests about 53 percent of Americans rejects the theory of evolution as the explanation for the origin of humans.

Instead, they believe God created humans at one time as they are today, the survey showed.

About 31 percent of respondents said they believe humans evolved, but God guided the process. Only 1.2 percent said they believe Darwin's scientific theory of evolution where God had no part.

Researchers said people with lower levels of education, those who attend church regularly, those who are 65 or older and those who identify with the Republican Party are more likely to believe in the biblical story of the origin of humans.


The poll was conducted in September but no margin of error figures or other information was available.
Thank heavens! This is just the beginning, soon we will amass a great army of Christians to overthrow the rule of Satan's science. We will rule the world with our divine mission and dominance of faith over critical thinking! Our lack of logical reflection will shine evidently as our congregation follows blindly the words of the Lord. Through this our faith is shown.

We will impress our morals upon the world! We will strike down those who oppose us, for we are the word of God and our enemies will be proven wrong in superfluous debate between science and God! Our faith is the majority now! Though we may be persecuted, one day, the Christians will rule again. Politics and Christianity will walk hand in hand as we build a great nation with religious freedom...as long as you choose Christianity! Glory be to our new found power!

Remember saints, someday Christians will control this country and we will have a powerful military to help us spread the word of God!

Monday, March 06, 2006

Brokeback Mountain: Guns, Cowboys, and Christians

Brokeback Mountain, it won countless academy awards for best in show among others. But is it a story of love, perseverance, and freedom's reign? Or is it a movie carefully timed and executed by one of the craftiest individuals ever to serve Satan himself?

I will now attempt to see through the carefully devised veil to discover the hidden truth behind this mystery of a movie.

Flaw 1. Honestly saints, do you think for one moment that any cowboy living in the early 1800s would ever be gay? No, there are no real gay cowboys! This is the movies first downfall, if it takes place in the 1800s, then its obviously fake. Gays weren't invented until the 1980s with the coming of neon colors and snap bracelets.

Flaw 2. If this is a story about cowboys, why is the director from Taiwan?

Flaw 3. Coca Cola was invented in 1886, the train was invented in the 1500s, and the cowboy hat was invented in 1865 so all these details check out. However, the costume manager forgot one tiny detail...Jean Jackets. Everyone can agree that the Jean Jacket was invented by a gay person. And if you'll recall, gay people weren't invented until the 80s. Uh Oh! Looks like somebody didn't pay attention to detail! Obviously fake.

Flaw 4. Finally we come to the straw that hehe...I can't believe I am gonna say this...BROKE the camel's BACK! Anyway, women. Women are the final downfall of this bogus journey. You see, cowboys don't interact with women. They drink beer, chew tobacco, watch NASCAR, and shoot guns but they don't have any connection to women whatsoever. This movie depicts cowboys caring about women, and thus exposing the film's fraudulence.

As always, your comments are welcome.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Christianity. A Persecuted Faith

Heavenly Father has commanded me to introduce a document written by a wonderfully enlightened man. This document tells of the trials and tribulations of all Christians in the world today.

In a world where Jews have all the money, atheists control political power, and Muslims are just here, can't a Christian catch a break? Honestly, the Christian faith is persecuted all over the globe...and for what? All we tried to do was save souls and tell people that unless they convert they are going to hell. Why us?

Recently, there was a news story about our misgivings written by Thomas Horn. I would like to pick out some of my favorite points and then I will link to the article.

More Christians died for their faith in the twentieth century than at any other time in history, says Christian Solidarity International. Global reports indicate that over 150,000 Christians were martyred last year, chiefly outside of the United States. However, statistics are changing: persecution of Christians is on the increase in the United States.


This paragraph really gets my heart racing. If persecution is on the rise in this country, then where can we hide? Certainly not in the Middle East! We tried to bring them the light during the crusades and all they did was persecute and kill us!

Even a casual observance of the facts reveals growing isolation of Christians as a people group, especially school age believers. Faculty and peer efforts to convince public school children that America was not founded on Christian ideals, and that our forefathers actually wanted a secular society, permeates public school interaction. History revisionists labor to eliminate any and all contradictory historical evidence from public school curriculum, and mockingly stereotype Christians as unenlightened fringe.


Saying that this country's founders preferred secularism to Christianity just rattles my bones! Yes, everyone in this country has freedom of religion...as long as it’s Christianity! You can choose which type of Christianity, but let’s not get carried away and choose some foolish religion like Judaism! For crying out loud people! The Jews missed their own messiah! Who would follow blindness like that?

Censoring the Christian model and denigrating biblical values has resulted in a generation where every day in the United States:

• 437 children are arrested for drinking or drunk driving
• 211 children are arrested for drug abuse
• 1,629 children are in adult jails
• 30 children are wounded by guns
• 10 children are killed by guns
• 135,000 children bring a gun to school

Social scientists claim this generation's inability to define absolutes, and a growing pattern of anti-Christian behavior, may ultimately result in the collapse of the American superstructure, as situation ethics, AIDS and other forms of sexually transmitted diseases, the redefining of the family unit, and other abandonments of biblical standards of morality come to their dangerous and natural conclusion.


I find these statistics amazing! They represent direct evidence of what anti-Christian sentiment will do to society. Let's face it, these statistics are not explained because there are simply more people in the United States, and therefore, a proportionally more amount of crime! These statistics indicate the world needs Christians to hold everything together. We aren't trying to be self important here, but without our poor persecuted presence, the world would literally go to hell in a hand basket!

There are many more good points in this article, but the main focus is this: If you get rid of us, who will judge you and tell you how to live your lives? Without us, who will persecute the Gays for persecuting us? Who will judge the atheists and tell them they are going to hell? Who is going to stand up to the money hungry Jews tell them they are completely wrong? Who will invade the Muslims to spread democracy and good wholesome Christian values in the Middle East? Who will ignore Africa, and exploit their resources for our own non-politically motivated gain?

The world needs us Christians to look after the heathens who obviously don't know the first thing about heaven or how to get there. I was left with another disturbing detail from this article. This trend of Christian persecution closely resembles the Jewish persecution in WWII. We had better be weary saints, I fear the latter days are upon us!

Go to the article here.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

The Lord on: Do it Yourself Abortion

The topic of self abortion has come up, and I have been instructed to reveal what the Lord has to say.

Self abortion has major benefits for the amount of costs involved. They include but are not limited to the following.

Convenience – Doctors don’t have to carry out surgeries that they may feel uncomfortable performing and women don’t have to deal with the shame of having one of these surgeries performed.

Secrecy – Religions, family members, boyfriends, friends, co-workers, and acquaintances don’t need to know that you had your baby deliberately killed. Instead they can just be made to think you had a miscarriage.

Moral shielding – What others don’t know, they can’t judge you on!

Welfare strain – With less children being born, there will be less of a burden on the welfare system to provide for them.


And these are only a few of the near limitless benefits to self abortions. The only thing needed to get this ball rolling is education. Let’s be straightforward, we can’t promote self abortions without concern for the mother’s safety. Clinics and free seminars should be set up all around the country to educate women on the proper way to perform self abortion. All we have to do is invest in some free classes and sit back, relax, and watch the benefits roll in!

Cynicism aside, when was the last time you found yourself judging a young person with a baby? Why is it that when we look at a young person with a baby its incriminating evidence of that person’s immortality? If you felt like everyone who passed by was quietly judging your morality, how would you feel? Our actions everyday dictate how a lot of people live their lives. Maybe not directly, but we contribute to societal pressure that eventually makes some would-be mothers, perform self abortions.

Maybe instead of looking down on others for their mistakes, we should look at ourselves and how we as a collective peer, back people into a corner with no way out. Maybe in a world where “fitting in” isn’t important, money is no object, and morality is your own prerogative, we wouldn’t have these problems. But the truth is, we live in a world where social acceptance is all we have, the rent is still due on the first, and people will always judge you based on their definition of right and wrong…not yours.

Now for abortion statistics: 78% of all legal and illegal abortions are associated with young people (ages 15-24). 74% feel that they were forced by outside circumstances to get an abortion. Almost 60% of abortions are performed on people that make 10,000 or less annually. And Finally, the most disturbing statistic of all, 67% say they got their abortion so that they would be socially accepted…67 percent.

Check out some stats here.

Are Christians Homophobes?

No, and Christians aren't really Christians either. They pretend to believe in Christ but it's not the real Christ. I know this because our church is God's only true church. Therefore, we are the only true worshippers of Christ. Anyway, back to homophobia.

There has been a lot of controversy of late that Christians are afraid of homosexuals. This could not be farther from the truth. Indeed, homosexuality is a sinful lifestyle and they will indeed go straight to hell. But we are not afraid of them, or their beady little eyes.

Are homosexuals a threat to Christianity? Yes, they are deliberately trying to destroy the sanctity of marriage. What's next? If they can destroy marriage, how do we stop them? There will be nothing to stop them from destroying families too! Divorce rates will skyrocket (I’m talking 30-40%). If they destroy families, then we will lose our protective barrier and hordes of heathens from cities like New York will invade our suburbs; bringing their trendy restaurant bathrooms with them!

So in conclusion, no, we are not afraid of homosexuals. But we are afraid of what they represent and everything else about them.

Friday, March 03, 2006

The Lord on: Overpopulation

In response to the recent concerns about the environment and over population, the EMLDS church has come up with an official stance on the debate. Verily the Lord has instructed my to pass the following message on.

I did not create thee for thine wisdom.

This direct translation from reformed Egyptian was in direct response to my plea for the Lord to help us in these latter days. His response tells us a couple of things, but most importantly that the Lord did not create us to be wise, he created us to live our lives in service of Him.

Brothers and sisters, we do not need to bother with environmental concerns or over population. The Lord created us to live our lives and enjoy our world. There is no way that the Almighty would have created a world of finite resources and limited space. The great rapture will occur long before people are starving or crowded. Science cannot tell us anything about a world God created because as He said, "[He] did not create [us] for [our] wisdom."

Consume ye faithful members, consume and multiply without hesitation. You are in God's church, and he would never let us suffer. Besides, if there ever is starvation in the world or if our resources are ever used up, we can rely on technology to develop ways around these problems.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

To: someone who is out to stop this blog...

The Lord has commanded me to warn you about posting any more spammings on this blog. Comments are ok, but when you spam, it makes it harder for people to read the comments. I propose a peace treaty between us.

In the last couple of days, your comment spamming has brought this entire blog to its knees. Portman Rockwell begs me everyday to erase your comments, but I stand strong, because above all I (Elohimus) believe in free speech. However, our little community and God's church can't take much more of this comment spamming. Please consider the following proposal.

You will join our church, I will advise you on repentance techniques, and then you will repent for your sinful ways. After enough repenting is complete, you will become my wife. Finally, you will issue a public apology for ever doubting the truth and mightiness of this church. We will accept your apology and every one will be at peace.

Remember saints, it’s ok to spam other blogs to spread the word of God. But it's not ok for heathens to spam this site, they should show us some respect.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Why Vogelgrippe is in God's Plan.


Some of you may be asking yourselves, "What the hell is he talking about? Elohimus is nuts, "vogelgrippe" is a German term for "avian flu," that can't be in God's plan?!?" I beg to differ...here's why.

God created the Jewish holiday Passover, what's little known about this occurrence is that it was actually a virus. God created Passover to stop sinners from breeding; he did this by making a virus that would infect only newborns. He then instructed true believers to smear the anecdote (lamb's blood) over each true believing newborn. Those newborns that had accepted Christ were spared and those that had not, were killed by the virus.

The Avian flu or "vogelgrippe" is actually just another attempt by God at getting rid of some sinners. If it becomes a global pandemic, don't worry, God will gives us instruction on the antidote. Don't rely on those scientists to save us, just wait and don't take any action, eventually the Lord will come to our rescue.

Kelifinder What is it?

This is an interesting term..."kelifinder" is an English slang word for "house-finder" in Spanish. This is a company that apparently gives away free shoes and helps people find a house. A fellow blogger posed the question, why don't they use their own language for the name of their business. I agree.

Why do foreigners always have to use our language to promote themselves? Everyone is so jealous of Americans, specifically, conservative Americans. We have wonderful values, great families, extraordinary wealth, and we follow the true God. This "kelifinder” thing is just an example of how every foreigner in the world wants to be like us.

Remember saints, you were chosen to be conservative Americans. It's a coveted position in life, so never take it for granted.

Apple


How is apple going to respond to Microsoft's new Origami multi tool? Here is a list of reasons why Apple will fail at multi-use devices.

Design - Apple is renowned for make design of products simple and ergonomic, but with multi functional devices this becomes too hard.

Sin - Apple...garden of Eden? Connection? I think not.

Market share - with Mycroft’s' viral marketing campaign underway there is no room for a second Apple campaign to take place.

Closed Source - God would never let a closed source device win. I am still waiting for a Linux based open source device to hit the market...when it does...look out Microsoft and Apple.

Remember saints, if you are running windows Internet Explorer, stop. Download Firefox now!

This Really Made a Prophet Mad...

Among people who pretend not to hate and judge others, Mormons are about the most hypocritical. I just read an article posted by the Vancouver Sisters that warns about a car break in while they were at church. I will post their article and comments so that I can destroy their posting with my deadly logic.

Title: WARNING: Car Break-In at the Church

Sadly, criminals are snooping in our cars while we're attending church meetings. A MC ward sister had her car broken into during Sacrament meeting today. She had unfortunately left her purse in the car. Among her losses were $300 she was going to use to purchase food storage items. Please make sure that while you're at the church, you take valuables with you.

Comment:

That is just so wrong. They know what people are doing on a Sunday, at church, and they just don't care. GRRRRR.



The tone starts off as if to say, "how dare someone break into my car on a Sunday!" This brazen miscalculation is typical of people we would like to convert. First it assumes that nothing is ever stolen on Sunday which makes this situation atypical! Then it also says that the writer never considered that maybe the thief isn't Mormon, so they might not have a problem with stealing things on Sunday.

Then the author mentions a brief snippet that the girl left her purse in the car, knowing Mormons, I would bet that the car wasn't even locked. Furthermore, she probably put a sign on the top that said, middle class white female who thinks her purse won't be stolen because crime is for sinners and sinners don't exist!

For all of you who don't know what food storage is, I will explain. The Mormons believe that in the last days there will be what the book of revelations calls a "tribulation." Mormons are simply told to store food to prepare for this tribulation. My question is this, "if someone stole your purse...then they are most likely desperate. If you were a considerate person, you might think ever so fleetingly that the person who stole your money probably needed it more than you. Especially, if you were going to use that money to buy food items to store in your basement and gather dust."

We all know the truth anyway, she was going to use that money to buy marijuana or crack. Mormons are addicts, everyone knows this.

Finally, the comment says that whoever stole the money just doesn't care. This comment is one of hopelessness and despair. It contains so much judgment within a small sentence that it's almost amazing. Basically, the commenter is trying to point out that the world outside of church (they) is a place of indifference and predation. In conclusion, I would like to propose a different way to look at this situation. To girl who got her purse stolen: "Why don't you write this one off as the only real charity that you have or will ever give and continue storing food for yourself, which you will never use." Mankind has been predicting the end of the world since the invention of writing, you aren't the chosen generation, trust me, I read your posts.

On the Disbanding of Books

The Lord hath reavelethed to me that thereunto we read too manyeth books. Even unto these latter days the Lord hath given me this commandment. I will translate:

Verily I say unto you prophet Elohimus, ye are mine divine creation. Ye must go forth through the land and propagate with thine many congregations thy and thee word. For who is not him who hath thought, who hath not sinned?

God is saying, I must increase the number of congregations in the Midwest area of the US and spread our beautiful word throughout this country. This next part I am sure the online heathens will go nuts about, for I am to officially disband books.
Now what I am taking the Lord's message to mean is there are a lot of books out there that are evil. Science and mathematics, philosophy, children’s books, pornography, and lists of short poems just for starters. These books should not be read by saints as they will corrupt your testimony of our church. I move on to advice for missionaries:

If you are a missionary of the church of Jesus Christ of even more latter day saints, you are on a mission from God. It is better for your detection of the holy spirit if you do not read any non-church affiliated books whilst on you mission. How will you spend your time feeling the spirit if you are reading about evolution and gibberish like that?

Effective immediately, local stake leaders are to pass this message on to their principalities and bishops: "Missionaries shall no longer be permitted to read books unaffiliated with this church. True believers and Saints shall also be encouraged not to read books associated with anything other than this church, as it tampers with the holy spirit and your testimony."

Update: We have just opened our first branch ward in Singapore! They have 7 members and we are flying missionaries to Singapore this afternoon to continue the fight against Satan! Pray for them members!

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

A Stroke of genius? Or a Spawn of Satan?

This morning I awoke to find Portman Rockwell standing over me with this drawing. He said it came from God in a dream. He told me to release this drawing to all true believers. I think it represents his sins, so I sent him back down to the basement to repent. He will endure three days without food to cleanse him of his demonic possession. I can hear him crying, but don't take this as a sign of weakness. The demon is strong with him. If anyone can turn this demon off, it is him. But keep Portman in your prayers tonight for he would do the same for you.
Even though this picture is evil, I am posting it to show what Satan's drawings look like. If you ever see a drawing like this, get on your knees and commence the three day demonic cleansing ritual as described in your books of even more Mormon.

Parody or Not?

To the left on the sidebar is a poll asking whether or not you think this site is a parody. Please, take your time to vote on it. The results will help me determine where this site goes in the future.

Remember Saints, consider all other faiths to be partially correct. Most of them have wonderful values. Just know that this church is the only church with the whole truth.

Someone in the Congregation is Thinking!

I know it sounds weird, but the Lord has just informed me that some members of our congregation are performing acts of thought. Let me state this again for all new members to this church. Thought and intellect was invented by Satan to keep the masses doubting God. If you ever feel like you are going to think, don't.

Let me explain how our brains work. Our thoughts are simply a bunch of random electrical signals floating around our brain. Electrical signals are controlled by physics, and physics was invented by Satan.

The holy spirit, inspiration, and emotions are the only thought processes allowed under God. If you find yourself doubting anything about this church, it is most likely thought. In which case you should drop to your knees immediately and pray. Ask God to forgive you for ever doubting him and tell him that you will have faith and won't think in the future. Thought is dangerous.

Remember saints, the reason God called a prophet is so God could do the thinking and pass the message down to the prophet. Then the prophet passes the message on to you. Saints should be worried about making meals and spending quality time with family discussing how to stay out of hell...not worrying about thinking.

Have faith in your God, have faith in your prophet, and let us tell you what you should and should not do. Don't make that decision for yourself! You don't know how to get to heaven...we do.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Why Marx is Wrong.

The Price is wrong...sinner. Some people out there might be scared that some day Karl Marx's theory of social change and equitable distribution may come true. I am here to settle this debate once and for all.

The Lord created this earth in 7 days and 8 nights. He created the beast and the flower for us. He created woman to entertain and serve man. He created foreigners to be converted and to serve Him. If God created the earth, then there is the first hole in Marxs' argument.

Marx was a believer in scarcity, he believed that some day because of the overwhelming disparity between the under classes and the bourgeois, that the under classes would rise up and take over the government. He also believed that once the under classes took over, they would distribute wealth and resources evenly among all people. God would like to say something now...

If you are poor you deserve it. Poor people and middle class people were sent to this earth because they did not fight valiantly in the pre-existence wars. This implies that God created scarcity, social class, starvation, and disparateness. Our very constitution implies that all men were created equal and this is simply not true.

However, God did not create scarcity, starvation, social class, and disparateness. He simply let Satan create these things to cause war and suffering. We know this because God could have created enough for everyone, but he didn't because he doesn't like poor people.

This will have to be a two part series saints, I have been called by God to attend other matters this morning. Just remember saints, don’t look down on poor people, just pity them for not working hard enough.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Amalgablog...A Great Invention


Verily the lord commandeth thee to join and post articles on amalgablog. Thou musteth post articles and spread the word so that thine articles can be viewed.

I prophet Elohimus was instructed by the Lord to go to the amalgablog website at amalgablog.blogspot.com and join its membership. The almalgablog leader promised that anyone could post articles on his blog and that he would guarantee readership and site traffic to those articles. Basically all you do is send him an e-mail stating that you want to join, and he sends you an invitation back. Then you sign in and start posting your articles. You can link back to your personal blog in the article and hopefully draw traffic back to your site. What a great idea!

I got my article posted today, with no trouble. Verily the Lord has made it a sin, that if thou does not join amalgablog that thou must suffer in level 3 outer darkness.

Go to the Amalgablog Website.

Origami Microsoft's New Toy

Lately there has been a lot of talk on the web about Microsoft testing and prototyping a new "all in one" device called Origami. Technorati has even listed "origami" as a top search for this month. The Device itself should be able to fold into a digital camera, smart phone, video camcorder, MP3 audio player, PDA, Internet access, and email device/video conferencing terminal. However, with all the buzz nobody seems to be pointing out that this device will be closed source and therefore...evil.

We here at EMLDS know that the path to righteousness is open source software. I can guarantee that this device will use closed source, restrictive, and satanic software. For all those that have never had experience with open source software, I encourage you to download and try the Firefox web browser. There is an ad to the left of this post in the sidebar that will allow you to do this. Simply click on the ad and follow the instructions to get on the straight and narrow path to eternity! Firefox is free to anyone and provides safer, faster, and more user-friendly web browsing.
Remember saints, when you get to heaven God will ask you three questions. Did you kill anyone? How many people did you convert? What kind of software did you use?

Solution to War...and Africa

War causes so many problems. It destroys a countries infrastructure, it’s only economically profitable if you’re the invading country, and it largely remains unregulated. That is why the Lord has suggested we fight our wars differently.

In the future we should have a central location where all wars are fought. Countries that have disputes and wish to go to war may sign up to fight in a central location where their war can be monitored and controlled.

The location would have to be some place in Africa where nobody will get too upset if we take over a small country like Morocco and establish it as neutral “world territory.” A stadium could be constructed where these “war events” could take place. A war could be fought on a playing field much like football or soccer games, while millions of fans scream for their favorite countries! There are some amazing benefits to a system like this.

Benefits:

  • Economic gain - Africa would gain economically from tourism and construction and people would actually begin to take interest in Africa.

  • Regulation - Wars would be easily controlled and regulated (no more war crimes…easy to decide who won)

  • Convenience - Most of the wars happen in the Middle East and Africa anyway so it’s geographically convenient.

  • Firearms Market - Gun Producers benefit by arms sales to competing armies.

  • Commercial interests - Tourism, Televising, video games, movies, commercials, action figures, official fan ware, and other commercial interests would flourish.

  • No more danger to Journalists - for the first time we would get exceptional live television coverage of war with no danger to our journalists.

  • Needless destruction - No more unnecessary devastation of nature, buildings, homes, and general infrastructure.

  • Indirect benefits – Many other corollary benefits would be derived from wars being fought in safe, controlled environments.


Eventually war would become so main stream that we would eliminate war all together! Instead we would call it “competition” and peace would be restored to the earth. The only violence we would see would be for our entertainment…and entertainment is ok.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Solution to Abortion

Recently, one of our church members was unclear about our church's stance on abortion, I'd like to clear things up.

As we human beings see a tiny life lost to abortion, God sees inefficiency. He has proposed several ideas of things that we can do with these babies rather than aborting them.

Slavery - With an average annual wage in this country of $37,440 a personal slave could earn you a total of $1,946,880 in a life time. He/she would work a total of 101,173 hours during his/her lifetime, and produce a $199,171 per year for their employer. With somewhere between 854,122 and 900,000 people being aborted each year, the total economic gain of enslaving these people is a whopping $170,116,332,862 per year!

Medical Research - Our species is currently at a disadvantage in the medical research sector because we have no test patients to perform experiments on. The only animal "society" will allow scientists to experiment with, are lab mice, and their biology is fairly dissimilar to our own. If we used these would-be abortions to test the latest in medical technology, we would be light years ahead of our current state.

Soldiers - Conscripting these abortions would provide a million-man standing army in less than two years. In 6 years with a low ball estimate of abortions we would have a standing army of 5,124,732 people...More than enough to take over the world!

Exporting - We have no way to estimate what the market price for a slave is these days, however, if we began to export these abortion people overseas, demand would most likely rise, and because of the plentiful supply, prices would be kept low. This is every capitalists dream sustainable business model. Export tycoons could make a bundle!

Finally, the Lord suggested that as the price of oil rises we use them for mass transit and power generation. For mass transit, providing bike taxis would enable these people to ferry us around in large cities more efficiently than our current automobile taxis can. Not to mention, it would be a boom for the bike and steel industries. For power generation, exercise bikes hooked to turbines coupled with the amount of would-be aborted people would be sufficient to generate enough power to sustain a city of 576,000 people!

The question is, "why are we aborting people?" We have seen here that there would be tremendous economic and technological advantages to keeping these people alive! Please feel free to comment on this article, I don't erase comments...ever.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Ted Koppel


I published this article a while back, but because of the recent Koppel report it is still very pertinent so I will repost it..."ahem"...

As an American and a Christian, I feel it is my duty to spread the word of God among heathen bigots who are currently on the bullet train to Hell. Some people may judge me and say that I represent what is wrong with society today. They say, "if we could all just be willing to understand our differences the world would be a lot better off."

However, I am here to say that I do understand the differences between us, other people, and other cultures...we are going to Heaven and they are going to Hell. Love is all that I have for other people of the world and that is why I feel I must save them before it is too late.

This is why I support the war in Iraq. Oil, Diplomacy, Democracy, and Terrorism mean nothing to me. I am simply glad that we are once again invading the Middle East with the sword of Christian influence! I don't advocate killing other people in the name of God. But when it is necessary it must be done.

Some people may argue the hypocrisy of this view as it is identical to the opinion of the terrorists. However I would argue there is one fatal flaw; our God is the correct God and their god is the Antichrist.

I call for all Christians, Muslims, and other religious/non-religious people around the world to repent for their sins and to join our church immediately. If everyone was a member of God's only true church today, there would be no reason for War, disease, hunger, and evil. It is every person's moral responsibility to save themselves.

And remember true believers, this war is about Christianity, not oil.

Is Being Homosexual OK?

Is homosexuality an acceptable lifestyle in the The Church of Jesus Christ of Even More Latter Day Saints?

Of course, God is homosexual, why was Mary still a virgin when she had Jesus? This is because her loving husband was Joseph was gay. Man was created in the likeness of god, therefore there is no way that the son of God would be created from a straight couple. Joseph only married Mary because at the time, being gay was unacceptable.

This is also why we know Satan is a female. God created man, and Satan created woman to tempt man. Think about it, we wouldn't have sins like pornography and tampon commercials if there were no females. I have nothing against females personally, in fact I think they are really interesting. This is just God's word.

Saints should take the following message away from this discussion this morning: it's good to pass judgment on straight couples, because the man is a sinner for marrying a creation of the devil. But it's not ok to pass judgment on gay couples because both people in the relationship are men. Lesbian couples are just flukes of nature. Above all, yes, homosexuality is an acceptable lifestyle in the EMLDS church.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Mozilla is a Crime?


I just read an article about Gervase Markham and Mozilla being chewed out for sharing their open source software. A Trading officer in the UK contacted them and couldn't believe that Mozilla would allow people to download free copies and sell it! How dare them! I would like to settle this once and for all.


Open source software is the path to righteousness. All those who create, contribute to, and support the open source movement will be rewarded in heaven with free technology. Those who oppose open source will be held in a constant state of court litigation over ant piracy laws and intellectual property rights.

People, open source is the future, God has foretold it. Either get on the bus or be run over by its collectively innovative tires.

By the way, Markham...like Torvalds, will get anything they want in heaven.

Thursday Thirteen

Members Beware, Thursday Thirteen is a sin. The Lord has instructed me to warn members about this little conspiracy. On the outside it looks as if this is a harmless activity but secretly the Devil is collecting this information for her own gain.

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Things about Elohimus Maximus



1. I am a Prophet.
2. You can barely stand up to me.
3. I am not female.
4. I am not ethnic.
5. My skills are more honed than Mohammad Ali's.
6. Angels danced the day I was born.
7. Every night before I go to bed, I dance a jig.
8. My bed time is 10:00PM
9. I never get mad.
10. I don't like people...only souls.
11. I think thursday thirteen is a sin.
12. I am a debate master.
13. Seriously.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!
1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)


Remember saints, Satan is a female so be weary of their kind.

Morning Update

Good morning children of God. I’ll jump right into it:






Illegal immigrantsOur economy wouldn’t function without them. They provide a threat to the middle class that things can always get worse.
Google Censorship in ChinaGod approved their censorship, the less sin people have access to, the less they will sin.
ChinaNeeds to either be “preemptively” struck, taken back to the stone age, or converted to the EMLDS church before they overtake this country in world domination and power.
Stem Cell ResearchLet the sinners do their research and provide ground breaking medical therapy. They’re gonna do it anyway.
CurlingThe Almighty has announced there shall be no more curling of any kind televised at the Olympics. It’s always on, and He wants people to watch bobsledding and aerial competitions.

As you can see, the Lord had some minor opinions that He wanted me to express to the world this morning. That is why I am a prophet, so that I can lead the church on a daily basis.

Remember saints, Sundays are days of rest. It is forbidden that you perform work duties, physical exercise, or frolic about.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Controversy in Our Church

There have been some rumors out there circulating around that this church does not exist. Moreover, I have been informed that on at least one sinner's blog the notion has been circulated that Portman Rockwell does not exist. For the sake of this church and true believers everywhere I would like to dispel these rumors once and for all.

This church is known around the world as "The Church of Jesus Christ of Even More Latter Day Saints." It is an even more real church than the original latter day saints. The only difference is that our church is the truest of all existing establishments. Don't get me wrong, most other churches have some truths to them, but we are the fullness of the Gospel. We have even more truth.

I am a true prophet, if you don't believe me, pray about it and the spirit will tell you of the truth. If you think that the holy spirit has told you otherwise, then you did not pray hard enough.

There is only one true church my heathen friends, and this is it. If you have not converted by the time you die, you will go to level 6 Hell.

As for Portman Rockwell, he does exist. I have proof...
This morning as I awoke from a beautiful slumber, I stumbled into my bathroom to find this:
This wonderful little stuffed animal hanging by a noose with a knife stuck through its heart is a death threat directed unequivocally at me. Why would I threaten myself? Therefore, it must be true.

There I have crushed these rumors so they may not spread the Satanic seed. Remember saints, bums, women, computer geeks, and German techno geeks are likened unto animals. You must not treat them with the same dignity you would treat a fellow true believer.

Singapore Sweet Singapore!

I have recently learned of a surge in hits to this site from a country called Singapore.

The Lord has asked me to reveal now the truth about Singapore. There are currently four and a half million people living in Singapore right now. Of those people, 42% are Buddhist and 66.4% of Singapore's population is employed in the service industry, making it a prime target for our church's expansion over seas.

You see, the Lord has a plan for our church to convert the world. In the early "start up" period of our church's growth we need suppliant members to fulfill all of the Almighty's needs. A service to the one True God is the highest honor, and thus people already in the service industry can understand this.

Singaporeans employed by performing services can appreciate the art in providing a cheerful duty to their wrathful employers. Therefore, Singaporeans should be easy to convert. What's more, with 66% of the Singaporean economy dependent on service people so we could convert almost half of Singapore's population! That's around 2 million people!

The Lord has commanded me to send missionaries to Singapore to begin training faithful followers in the ways of repentance and guilt. This is a marvelous win for God! With the help of our Heavenly Father we shall convert 2 million people in Singapore and Spread the seed of God across Asia! Oh glory!

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Youtube

Youtube. First off, I would like to say to everyone reading this, that I will never delete a comment on my site. So I invite you to share your opinion and express my gratitude to those who do. However, if you would like to share anything that disagrees with my opinion of things, just know that God is infallible.

Secondly, I would like to comment on the whole Youtube debacle. For those who don't know, Youtube is a site where you can download and watch thousands of home made videos. You can also make and share your own videos, it's great! If your a sinner.

Believe me fellow saints, it's bad enough that corporations can control and make television. Now, enabling amateurs to make television and share their sins with the world will enable Satan to spread his seed farther than ever before. This is a major win for the Morning Star.

Remember saints, open source software is the path to righteousness. But if anyone disagrees with me/God please share your thoughts in my comment section.

Tammy Nyp

Tammy Nap…more like Tammy Satan. This morning at six o'clock God awoke me in my slumber to warn me of a grave danger that our church members face in these latter of days. I have been informed of a certain Tammy video online that is being distributed via the blogging network that depicts a girl named tammy nyp (I won't pay respect to her by capitalizing her name) and her boyfriend having sex.

What is new and dangerous about this video is that NYP recorded their sinful cinema with a camera phone. As Satan would have it, her phone was stolen and the sex footage was released to the world. I must now remind all Saints everywhere that having sex is a sin! You can be condemned to Hell for all eternity for partaking in this ridiculous ritual...think about it. Is sex really worth it?

I am also taking precautions to avoid anymore losses to the antichrist from our beautiful and innocent congregation. Effective immediately, I, the president and prophet of the only true church in existence today, ban the use of all cellular phones equipped with cameras. I also forbid the internet and blogging until it is once again safe for members to be online. Stake and Ward leaders will distribute this transmission to their local principalities and enforce its message.

Thank you for your prayers and considerations. Remember saints, I don't like to restrict your lives and monger fear, but occasionally it must be done to keep you safe from Satan. You are innocent church members who can't think for themselves, that is why I am your prophet.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Black People aren't Bad...Just Undesirable

If you log on to the official LDS Church website, I guarantee that you won't be able to find anything about African Americans, other than the short passage that says they are eligible to join the Church. Why is this? What's more, why do they need to mention African Americans at all? Oh, sit down...this is rich.

Next time you’re on the street and you see Mormon missionaries, stop them. If you can, try to get a book of Mormon from them. They will ask to come to your house and teach you more...By all means, if you are interested, invite them! But at least know this before you take the plunge of faith. According to LDS Scripture, Black people to this day are considered: "[loathsome], [cursed], [idle], [mischievous], [subtle], and [scourged]." And that's only within five paragraphs of one chapter in the book of Mormon.

Don't believe me? It's ok. I'll just cite the Book of Mormon now and you decide for yourself.
2 Nephi 5:21
"21 And He had caused a cursing to come upon them, yea, even a sore cursing, because of their iniquity. For behold, they had hardened their hears against him, that they had become like unto a flint; wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them.

22 And thus saith the Lord God: I will cause that they shall be loathsome unto thy people, save they shall repent of their iniquities.

23 And cursed shall be the seed of him that mixeth with their seed; for they shall be cursed even with the same cursing. And the Lord spake it, and it was done.

24 And because of their cursing which was upon them they did become and idle people, full of mischief and subtlety, and did seek in the wilderness for beasts of prey.

25 And the Lord God said unto me: They shall be a scourge unto thy seed, to stir them up in remembrance of me: and inasmuch as they will not remember me, and hearken unto my words, they shall scourge them even unto destruction."


Sound like a church that you want to be a part of? Sign me up! Look, it's not that every Mormon is a racist or even close to it. For the most part Mormons are some of the kindest people I have ever met. It's the principle of their faith. If they believe that Joseph Smith wrote the book of Mormon and was inspired by God, then by obligation they are required to believe that black people are inherently sinners! NO NO NO! If you don't believe one passage, it negates everything else! If you are Mormon and you can't accept this passage, then you can't accept your own faith; because EVERY single word in the book of Mormon was inspired by God.

Why can't we just have community organizations where people can congregate and do good for others, rejoice in the beauty of all things, and above all celebrate each other? Why do we need a God, Jesus, Allah, Yahweh, Elohim, El Shaddia, Adonai...(you get the point) to tell us what we must believe? The principal of religion is to divide and segregate. Yet religion’s teachings unite, inspire, and guide positive changes in our own and others’ lives. Yes, churches do a lot of good for people. But think how much more they could do if they banded together under a common goal, let everyone in, and really tried to fight evil. I’m not talking about evil like being jealous of your neighbor’s car, I’m referring to real evil…like racism, war, violence, starvation, hate, and the idea that we are not equally deserving.

Maybe, there is a God, and when I am judged I hope that He/She will look past my inability to waste 3 hours every Sunday to worship Him/Her when I can be out really worshipping God by admiring the beauty of creation.

Here are some links to sites with different biases about the whole Mormon/Black person thing, so you can decide for yourself:

About.com
The Black Mormon Homepage
Untold Story of the Mormons

Friday, February 17, 2006

The Lord Commandeth

Faithful members, as you are most undoubtedly aware, our congregation is experiencing a financial crisis. If we do not receive funds soon, our charge against Satan and his minions will have to be suspended. However, The Lord hath provided us with hope! Listen:

Even now in thine most desperate hour, thou shalt not faulter. Go to thine Google and geteth its new adsense program. Then thou must commadeth thine soldiers to click on the add once in order to receive funds for thine efforts.

There we have it children of God! The Lord hath commanded us to click on the add on the top of this blog and shop around. If you like anything, by all means buy it and donate it to our cause. But at least click! If you do not click, you will have more repenting to do when you get to the Gates. As your spiritual leader, I would advise clicking.

Some heathens out there may criticize this posting as "selloutishness." To them I would respond, nay! I am not a sellout, I am doing the work of God and you will thank me when you are converted.

Remember saints, if you click on the add, you will be given 2000 heaven points with which you may buy a new Ferrari or add-on to your mansion in heaven! It's a lot to gain for such little work.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Brrreeeport! What is it?

I'll tell you what "Brrreeeport" is, it's a conspiracy by Satan to distract the masses from the true issues. Why aren't people asking "what is global warming, and how is it another tool of the antichrist to make us believe in science?"

People aren't asking these questions because they are too busy trying to figure out what Brrreeeport is. The Lord has saithed unto me, that anyone who posts an article even mentioning the word "Brrreeeport" is a sinner and therefore should be considered heathen bigotry. Except for this site of course, because we are God's only true church.

Remember saints, this word is a metaphor for what happens everyday. Satan distracts us everyday with consumer items fake words to guide us away from his church.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The 4th Crusade

Look, as an American and a Christian, I feel it is my duty to spread the word of God among heathen bigots who are currently on the bullet train to Hell. Some people may unrealistically judge me and say that I represent what is wrong with society today. They say, "if we could all just be willing to understand our differences the world would be a lot better off."

However, I am here to say that I do understand the differences between us, other people, and other cultures...we are going to Heaven and they are going to Hell. Love is all that I have for other people of the world and that is why I feel I must save them before it is too late.

This is why I support the war in Iraq. Oil, Diplomacy, Democracy, and Terrorism mean nothing to me. I am simply glad that we are once again invading the Middle East with the sword of Christian influence! I don't advocate killing other people in the name of God. But when it is necessary it must be done.

Some people may argue the hypocrisy of this view as it is identical to the opinion of the terrorists. However I would argue there is one fatal flaw; our God is the correct God and their god is the Antichrist.

I call for all Christians, Muslims, and other religious/non-religious people around the world to repent for their sins and to join our church immediately. If everyone was a member of God's only true church today, there would be no reason for War, disease, hunger, and evil. It is every person's moral responsibility to save themselves.

And remember true believers, Icons like movie stars and superstars are simply sowing the seed of Satan. Don't believe what they say on the television.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Global Warming, Schmobal gorming

Recently, I had a debate with the most acclaimed scientist on this planet...God. I argued a case for global warming and this was God's witty and charming response:

Verily I say unto ye, hast thou not more accuracy in thine own measurements and dost thou seek to provide a trend for fear to swallow up mine own dear. Shalt thou not striketh a blow against thine enemy Satan himself? Verily go now.

The Lord is basically saying that the whole global warming debate is simply this. Global warming was developed by scientists working in cahoots with Satan and the antichrist to invent fear in people's lives.

We should live as we would without inhibition. We should all consume more, and spread the divinely inspired form of democracy known as capitalism throughout the world so foreigners can become fulfilled like us. Heathens will some day realize that science is bunk and that the world was created in 7 days, by the only true God, for human beings to rule and conquer. Animals have no soul, they are simply on the earth for us to hunt and eat. Women are here to entertain men, and foreigners are here to convert to the Almighty.

Members, you are doing a wonderful job. Just remember, if a heathen tries to talk to you, its ok to be rude. Stand strong ye faithful warriors of God!

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Debate on eBay

Earlier in the week, I was instructed by God to search eBay. The Almighty told me that I must search until I find what He wishes me to. I would like to announce that I have found it.

It seems a sinner has put up for sale 10 minutes of intense debate on eBay (Go to auction) he claims that he may crush whoever wins the bid. However, this brings up an interesting question...Could he crush me, a messenger of the only true God in existence today? God has told me that I must debate this heathen subhuman, and therefore I shall bid on this auction when the timing is right.

The Lord hath instructed me to apologize to all our online followers. As of late, we have been so busy here at the church of EMLDS that we have not had time to keep tabs on this site. Although, we have just converted a soul who may show promise in updating the church website regularly. I, Elohimus will still be available for dialogue as I am the only qualified person on this earth to preach the true word of His Gospel.

Remember true believers, heathens are barbarians. They will spread their message of medicine and evolution to persuade people of Satan’s message. Be strong, it is acceptable to judge a heathen and tell her (as most heathens are female) that she is going to hell.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Criticism of Our Church

The Lord has finally shed some light on a problem for many of our non-believer skeptics. They point out that if our church is the only true one, then what about all the people in the world today that will die before they ever hear about us? This brings up an interesting point, what happens to these people? Are they forced to spend eternity in hell because they weren't born in the right place at the right time?

The answer is, yes. God, as we all know, works in mysterious ways. He has planned for our church to one day be a global religion, with world domination and power. We will bring peace to earth under one unified and true faith. However, for the time being, God has planned for those souls that do not deserve to go to heaven will not even hear about our church. That way we are protected from evil doers who might sabotage our cause.

It is safe to assume that if a person has not heard about the one true faith by the time they die, then they were obviously sinners and did not deserve eternity in His presence.

Now you have it spell bound critics of our religion, what say you now? Join our church and be forever saved in His holy presence.

Remember: Whether doing homework, preparing for a meeting, or readying yourself for any mental activity, it's always a good idea to pray for our heavenly father's help. If you are righteous enough, he will grant you guidance.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Where has your faith gone?

Let me start off by saying that last night I endured 3 hours of wrath from God for all you quasi-Christians out there. You know who you are...you curse, drink and have sex with women, and then assume that you can repent for it all on Sunday when you go to church! You are the same people who get embarrassed by True Christians for expressing their beliefs by going door to door and asking people to repent. You are embarrassed to stand up for your beliefs in front of atheists and non-Christians when you are outnumbered. You are wavering in your faith and borderline heathen.

Our lives are lives of guilt. We are here to feel guilty all throughout our lives so that we may remain on the path to righteousness. Adam took the bite of the apple and from then on we were made to repent. If we are suppliant enough to His word, then we may hope that God will be gracious enough to let us into his presence in the afterlife.

Let me give you a hint, if you are not feeling guilty for something then you are probably doing something wrong. Guilt was invented by God to keep us on the straight and narrow. You must keep yourselves in a constant state of guilt to ensure that you are bettering yourself all the time.

Remember Saints: Christmas is coming up, giving gifts as a form of celebration for Christ’s resurrection was invented by Satan to distract us from the true nature of the holidays. Instead bring your families together and discuss what everyone is sorry for this past year! Then finish the night off with a nice prayer for forgiveness.

Friday, December 09, 2005

When Bad People happen to Good Christians

God has instructed me that now is the time for the only true church to start taking control of the chaos that is our world today.

First off, we at the Church of Jesus Christ of Even More Latter Day Saints demand a public apology from all "religious" (or so called "religious")entities in the world. There can only be one God Almighty, and therefore, one church. We call for this apology as an admission of guilt. Verily, all churches other than EMLDS churches are tools of the Antichrist!

Secondly, God's children did not come from monkeys. Adam was created of dirt, and Eve was created to serve Adam. Mankind will not sit down and take this psycho babble about gravity and evolution. I think I can speak for all human beings everywhere when I say, we demand a public and written apology from the National Institute of Science and Technology! Not only do we demand an apology, we want a guarantee to cease and desist all scientific activities in the United States.

America is a country of God, our founding fathers intended it to be that way. There is no room for science here, if you don't like it, then get out! One day, God will show the world the falseness of science and it will be too late for the evil scientists and heathen teachers of science.

To all young saints, remember the words of God as you sit in science class. Remember, that the teacher is a heathen...and that you are a child of God! You out rank your teacher spiritually, and therefore, you are a better person.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Poem from Our Creator

Even this came as a surprise to me. God wrote his true believers a poem, it is up to you to decipher its own special meaning and glory that is it:

For today to have fun,
Yea be the suffered and the sick
For to me to have fun to for yay,
Have me to have one body
to have fun
to have fun
Oh yay thy glory is mine!
Oh yay!

God told me to tell all true believers that this poem will have a different meaning to all of us in our own special ways. It is God's will, thy will be done.

Keep up the good work Saints and remember, Heathens are more prominent at night, so try to stay indoors when God's light ceases and Satan’s darkness ensues.

PS. Let us discuss what this poem means to eachother, through comments on this post!

Science vs Intelligent Design

There is a debate raging in this country over whether to add "Intelligent Design" and other Creationistic theories into our education system as legitimate counters to weak theories like evolution. I will settle this debate once and for all.

Not only should we add theories of Intelligent Design in Schools, we should abolish pagan and utterly insane theories like: evolution, relativity, materialism, and functionalism. I know that I did not come from a monkey. Furthermore, I know that physics in general was developed by Satan’s minions to lead God's flock down the evil path of science. Moreover, I know that each on of us has a soul, and that we have minds separate from our physical brains. How else could we perceive the holy spirit? Finally, God created the whole world for us. There is no other purpose for an animal than to provide meat for humans. Just like the purpose of a dog is to entertain and keep us company. We are superior to any other organism on this planet.

I know these things not because I want to, (I used to love learning about science!) but because I am a prophet of the one true God. He has bestowed a knowledge about all things unto me so that I may spread His word. If any of you should be so bold as to question my authority, I would ask you to have faith in me, just like you have faith in our Supreme Heavenly Father.

Oh, also please keep my body guard and roommate Portman Rockwell in your prayers as he has barricaded himself in his room and will not eat or come out. He thinks that God is smiting him for his wickedness through the recent cold spell and snow we have been having.

Heathens may attack your beliefs, just remember that they are like ugly people in the eyes of the lord.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Sacred Ceremony (secret: if not a true member, do not read)

The Lord Hath Revealed unto us a sacred ceremony that we shall partake in to increase our spirituality and increase our knowledge of the Lord.

Revelation: Verily I say unto the Elohimus, prophet unto the world, ye shall reveal unto sacred members yea even mine own people a ceremony which ye shall useth as a rock to journey to me. Verily, this is a revelation that falls under the sacred commandment and shall be kept secret, for I knoweth who vieweth this revelation and shall smite those who view and are not of Me with incredibly bad luck. Every Mourn, shall my people wake and view the world as a child. And even shall ye take up a dollar bill and ye mustereth thine strength and say unto thine self, How can I turneth this one dollar into ten. Then ye shall inhaleth or drinketh of a mind expanding toxant to experience a greater spiritual enlightenment.

The Lord has once again given us great wisdom and divine leadership. He wants us to be happy and have all the material possessions that we want...but he does require that we give 11% (1% even more than LDS faith) so we know where we stand. Remember that the Lord knows who is donating and who is not...if you're not...then you will be judged harshly. If you have been donating then think of your money as a trust fund, a trust that the Lord will let a couple sins here and there slide.

Remember members, the world is full of sinning heathens...its a dangerous time to be a member, which shows that our work is of the utmost importance. Mind expanding drugs and alcohol can help intensify a spiritual experience. Members are encouraged to do them everyday before breakfast to help start the day off right. Warning: alcohol is not the most mind expanding and should only be ingested the mornings after a night of heavy drinking. Mushroom tea is the official church breakfast drink and tastes great with count chocula breakfast cereal.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

News Flash! The Mormons got it wrong again

Well I haven't had a revelation for a while because God had nothing to say to us...he was disappointed in Kanye West for saying that George Bush doesn't care about black people. Of course he cares about black people, they make great soldiers in his armies to conquer far away lands (sarcasm). God also wanted us to remind the Mormons of one of their many sinful and ignorant scriptures.

In 2nd Nephi 5:15 the Lord states "And he had caused the cursing to come upon them, yea, even a sore cursing, because of their iniquity. For behold, the had hardened their hearts against him, that they had become like unto a flint; wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them."


The Mormons seem to have forgotten one of their many malevolent scriptures and are attempting to hide it in order to beguile our faithful followers. So, I will remind the Mormons what they should not still be practicing (since we did disband them), in order to be honest to their false prophet. Mormons should still be looking at black people as the scourged race. Mormons should think that black people are unattractive (except for Olivia in "the candy shop") so that 'they' don't entice God's people into sin like listening to rap music and playing basketball. As you can see, The Mormons seem to have misplaced this treacherous scripture because their stance on the "black people" debate is that they are now equal...but their own scripture contradicts them. Proof that they are indeed the anti Christ’s church. All official Mormons still practicing this disbanded religion must repent for clearly this is more proof of the fallaciousness of their faith, or be sent to level 13 outer darkness with infinity and one lives.
Spread gods word and help us to lead our lost sheep back into the folds of righteousness.

Remember, only slender women are attractive...so don't convert any non-slender women! Keep up the good work members! Also, Portman Rockwell partook of delicious meat soup and spiced bread today and refused to share, this angers God greatly.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Truth about Jesus

This revelation has come as a shock to even me! However, our Lord of Hosts is never wrong, therefore I must report some sad news. This is the commandment that will change our world forever:

I the Lord of Abraham even the Lord of Isaac sayeth unto thee, Jesus is no Longer my son. I sent my x-son down upon the eartheth to spread my Gospel. However, of Late, Jesus of Nazerene has been misleading people. I now only command the leaders of the my people to lead our flock into paradise. Verily, he who surfeth the snow shall gain eternity...he who skates it shall perish. I say these things unto all the tribes of the world.

Well, if this doesn't surprise me! the first part talks about how Jesus is no longer god's son...therefore we shall no longer claim to be christians. Instead we are now to follow our own path and we the Prophets will lead all our faithful. Also, snowboarders will go to heaven and skiers shall burn in level 13 outerdarkness.

So remember, the only people that deserve eternal damnation are those who will not join us. We have the right to judge, because we are the only true church today.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

New commandments

Dear wonderful patrons and souls of our most heavenly church. I elohimus am not proud to admit that I have been a bit busy and have not been able to post as regularly as I would like. However, this only proves further that our faith is the only true faith in existence today. I am not paid by our wonderful church and am forced to go to college to earn a degree so that I may make a lot of money.

If our church were an unrighteous one, we would have paid clergy, but we are pure hearts with true intent and are not paid. We willingly donate our time to this wonderful cause! Stand strong ye faithful members, and work hard to earn money, lots of money...for I have just received word from the Heavenly Father that there will be a tithing ritual enacted soon where true believers must give 11% of their personal income to our cause. Remember that God knows how much money you have and if you are really giving the full 11%.

Again we can prove to ourselves that our church is even more true than the LDS faith...they only ask 10% of their faithful (alotta commitment that is!).

There is also a new ritual instated: Verily the Lord of Hosts Saith, I your Lord God Almighty command thee to testify via comments on these posts either your support or condemnation of my only true church. For verily it saith in the book of Job 12:4 "He whosoever sitteth on the fence is the same. And verily shall receive no reward."

There you have it, either criticize or support our movement, but if you sit on the fence, you will be counted as a heathen and shall receive eternal condemnation in level 13 outer darkness with infinity lives.

It's important to remember that when you look upon heathens and non-members, think to yourself, "I don't hate them for not knowing, I just feel sorry for them."