Dear wonderful patrons and souls of our most heavenly church. I elohimus am not proud to admit that I have been a bit busy and have not been able to post as regularly as I would like. However, this only proves further that our faith is the only true faith in existence today. I am not paid by our wonderful church and am forced to go to college to earn a degree so that I may make a lot of money.
If our church were an unrighteous one, we would have paid clergy, but we are pure hearts with true intent and are not paid. We willingly donate our time to this wonderful cause! Stand strong ye faithful members, and work hard to earn money, lots of money...for I have just received word from the Heavenly Father that there will be a tithing ritual enacted soon where true believers must give 11% of their personal income to our cause. Remember that God knows how much money you have and if you are really giving the full 11%.
Again we can prove to ourselves that our church is even more true than the LDS faith...they only ask 10% of their faithful (alotta commitment that is!).
There is also a new ritual instated: Verily the Lord of Hosts Saith, I your Lord God Almighty command thee to testify via comments on these posts either your support or condemnation of my only true church. For verily it saith in the book of Job 12:4 "He whosoever sitteth on the fence is the same. And verily shall receive no reward."
There you have it, either criticize or support our movement, but if you sit on the fence, you will be counted as a heathen and shall receive eternal condemnation in level 13 outer darkness with infinity lives.
It's important to remember that when you look upon heathens and non-members, think to yourself, "I don't hate them for not knowing, I just feel sorry for them."