Science vs Intelligent Design
There is a debate raging in this country over whether to add "Intelligent Design" and other Creationistic theories into our education system as legitimate counters to weak theories like evolution. I will settle this debate once and for all.
Not only should we add theories of Intelligent Design in Schools, we should abolish pagan and utterly insane theories like: evolution, relativity, materialism, and functionalism. I know that I did not come from a monkey. Furthermore, I know that physics in general was developed by Satan’s minions to lead God's flock down the evil path of science. Moreover, I know that each on of us has a soul, and that we have minds separate from our physical brains. How else could we perceive the holy spirit? Finally, God created the whole world for us. There is no other purpose for an animal than to provide meat for humans. Just like the purpose of a dog is to entertain and keep us company. We are superior to any other organism on this planet.
I know these things not because I want to, (I used to love learning about science!) but because I am a prophet of the one true God. He has bestowed a knowledge about all things unto me so that I may spread His word. If any of you should be so bold as to question my authority, I would ask you to have faith in me, just like you have faith in our Supreme Heavenly Father.
Oh, also please keep my body guard and roommate Portman Rockwell in your prayers as he has barricaded himself in his room and will not eat or come out. He thinks that God is smiting him for his wickedness through the recent cold spell and snow we have been having.
Heathens may attack your beliefs, just remember that they are like ugly people in the eyes of the lord.