Controversy in Our Church
There have been some rumors out there circulating around that this church does not exist. Moreover, I have been informed that on at least one sinner's blog the notion has been circulated that Portman Rockwell does not exist. For the sake of this church and true believers everywhere I would like to dispel these rumors once and for all.
This church is known around the world as "The Church of Jesus Christ of Even More Latter Day Saints." It is an even more real church than the original latter day saints. The only difference is that our church is the truest of all existing establishments. Don't get me wrong, most other churches have some truths to them, but we are the fullness of the Gospel. We have even more truth.
I am a true prophet, if you don't believe me, pray about it and the spirit will tell you of the truth. If you think that the holy spirit has told you otherwise, then you did not pray hard enough.
There is only one true church my heathen friends, and this is it. If you have not converted by the time you die, you will go to level 6 Hell.
As for Portman Rockwell, he does exist. I have proof...
This morning as I awoke from a beautiful slumber, I stumbled into my bathroom to find this:
This wonderful little stuffed animal hanging by a noose with a knife stuck through its heart is a death threat directed unequivocally at me. Why would I threaten myself? Therefore, it must be true.
There I have crushed these rumors so they may not spread the Satanic seed. Remember saints, bums, women, computer geeks, and German techno geeks are likened unto animals. You must not treat them with the same dignity you would treat a fellow true believer.