Tammy Nap…more like Tammy Satan. This morning at six o'clock God awoke me in my slumber to warn me of a grave danger that our church members face in these latter of days. I have been informed of a certain Tammy video online that is being distributed via the blogging network that depicts a girl named tammy nyp (I won't pay respect to her by capitalizing her name) and her boyfriend having sex.
What is new and dangerous about this video is that NYP recorded their sinful cinema with a camera phone. As Satan would have it, her phone was stolen and the sex footage was released to the world. I must now remind all Saints everywhere that having sex is a sin! You can be condemned to Hell for all eternity for partaking in this ridiculous ritual...think about it. Is sex really worth it?
I am also taking precautions to avoid anymore losses to the antichrist from our beautiful and innocent congregation. Effective immediately, I, the president and prophet of the only true church in existence today, ban the use of all cellular phones equipped with cameras. I also forbid the internet and blogging until it is once again safe for members to be online. Stake and Ward leaders will distribute this transmission to their local principalities and enforce its message.
Thank you for your prayers and considerations. Remember saints, I don't like to restrict your lives and monger fear, but occasionally it must be done to keep you safe from Satan. You are innocent church members who can't think for themselves, that is why I am your prophet.